dear tourist.

dear tourist,

i’m thrilled you’ve come to my city. welcome. san francisco is my love. it’s a great city. you have everything you could need and more. with the new exploratorium, america’s cup, and sfmomas outside exhibitions, it’s pretty clear that san francisco is the place to be. come, tour, you’re entirely welcome. i just want to ask a couple things.

why do you have to walk at the speed of a banana slug? there are at least 4 of you. the whole family got to come. it’s really a treat to have everyone together. so i ask you, stay together. you guys are spread out on the sidewalk like you’re doing some kind of fan-dance. you’re not the rockettes. there’s no need to get in a row. get in a bunch. you’re a family. get cuddly. honestly, i’m just trying to get to work, and i’d really love to leave you to your touring, but i can’t get past you. i realize i’m a bit of a fast walker, but good god, you don’t need to stop and look at every building like you’ve never seen it before. I’m sure they have buildings where you’re from. they’re not that different, and i’m not talking about the painted ladies. it’s union square. macys looks like macys everywhere you go. the giant christmas tree isn’t up yet. if you want to go check out the square, go inside the square, don’t shuffle around it. there’re great things to be seen, but most of them are outside of union square. if you’re shopping, go shop. that’s fine. our economy could use as many of your euros as you’re willing to throw at us, in dollar form of course. so don’t get me wrong, i’m happy you’re here. stay as long as you like, just please, shuffle to the side. you’re not on the champs elysees. you’re not even on the embarcadero. go there for your stolling. it’s a great view. treasure island is pretty chill. anywhere but here. take your map with you, that’s fine.

on another note, tourist bikers, what are you doing? i’m in a car. you’re on a bike. this can’t end well for you. move. there’s like twelve of you. single file, please. there’s no need to go 4 in a row. 4 in a row and we’re back to the same problem we had with the tourist family, but now it’s next level. i know you like to bike from Sausalito to cross the golden gate. that’s a big day for you. have a great time, and i know that hill is tough, just be on your shit. once you’re in the city, roll by the marina. they’ve got a bike lane all set up for you. it’s a pretty ride and you’re off the street, everyone’s happy.

the last thing i wanted to ask is, you do realize you’re already in san francisco right? right. so why are you wearing your san francisco shirt? you’re being redundant. it’s funny. it’s cute. i just think it’s silly. take it home. that’s why they call it a souvenir. you’re supposed to wear it when you get back home, so that way you can remind yourself of what it’s like in san francisco. when you’re here, you don’t need to remind yourself. you’re just putting on a sign on that says hi, i’m a tourist. the fact that you have your nose stuffed in a map is a bit of a red flag on that front, so we get it. you’re a tourist. that’s cool.

so tourist, i’ve noticed blending in is not your thing. i’m ok with that. i actually really like you guys. you make people watching all the more interesting. i’m not asking you to entirely change your touristy ways. all i’m asking is that you reign it in a bit. be a tourist, be you, but be a bit more on your shit. just cause you’re a tourist doesn’t mean you’re not a person in a city. other people are still doing their thing, so please, step to the side, bikers, swerve over a bit more. i know you can do it. just a little is all i’m asking. thanks.


ps, don’t forget your jacket. we’re not la and it gets cold.


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